It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
