You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
