I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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