Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
