i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i believe in u and ur pee
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