You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize