Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
