I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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