He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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