A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
