she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
