i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize