it's too hot outside to masturbate.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
