Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
