I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
