This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
