i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize