we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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