Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
