Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
