Your mouth is God's brothel.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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