im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
