My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize