i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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