I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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