I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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