Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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