Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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