Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
