Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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