I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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