hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
