I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
