If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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