I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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