Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
