I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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