I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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