mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
