i already hear my dad disowning me
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Panties = found
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
