walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
