i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Success! We fucked roommates!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
