You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize