I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
