i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
