So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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