So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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