If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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