There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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