Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You are the jesus of drinking
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
