Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
