Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
