So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize