apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
