He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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