Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
