you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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