I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
