Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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