apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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