so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
