The brown eye won't let me do that either.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So vagazzling was a success
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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