If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
