my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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