if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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